Finding enormous strength through vulnerability

Am I TOO much?

When I opened this page, Liability by Lorde was playing. I couldn't process my thoughts correctly and now, four other songs in, and I still can’t think straight. I’m currently listening to Just the two of us by Grover Washington ft Bill Withers. It’s 4:32 pm here. I’m happy to be back home and in my bed. I, however, do not feel satisfied in general. I have been digging deep because I feel somewhat disconnected, hence why I’m writing.

Earlier today, a friend and I were discussing the bold steps we took this year and how it’s made us grow. She asked if I was afraid to fail and without thinking hard, I blurted out ‘no’.

I’ve never been afraid to fail, never been afraid of no, never been afraid of rejections. It’s a stride on my path and if nothing else, it keeps me going.

Going after what I think I want, or what I think will make my life better is me being open to whatever happens, including failure and shame. In that moment of vulnerability, where I am reaching for what I think I want, or who, at that moment, I feel alive and receptive to all sorts of things. This feeling leaves me in a nuanced place that feels dangerously good because, for all I care about, this is where the shift happens. I either get what I want or not.

However, I'm yet to explore how being vulnerable makes me really feel.

I feel naked. It’s like I have my entire essence out for the subject of my vulnerability to see. My tummy rumbles and sometimes I clench it as if to rip it off my body. Oftentimes, I am soaked in my own sweat and my heartbeat becomes an industrial pump. Sometimes I go on a posting spree to distract myself from thinking about the outcome of my vulnerability. I think about all the possible scenarios of how it could go wrong. This feeling fades when I fixate on something else but there’s always this negating thought that lingers, the thought that wonders what the recipient thinks, feels, or how they will react.

Through deep soul-searching, I have come to find that I do not respect the fear of the unknown more than my own need for communication and definition or clarity. Despite knowing the outcome of being vulnerable, I wait, in silence that chokes me, for an answer or a reaction and I am always ready and then I do it again. It’s an endless circle. I have befriended the act of fragility and I’m content in knowing that the courage lies in my ability to embrace this part of me, which of course, contributes to my tenderness.

Am I TOO much?

I played Liability by Lorde again to get my head in the right space. The lyrics called out to me the first time I heard them and they resonated a lot. I have been asking myself if I am too much. Do I smother my friends with affection? Am I always in their faces? Am I too much?

This is the other outcome of my vulnerability. It leaves me asking questions. Should I have said that? Do I talk too much? How much is enough? Should I have expressed how this situation made me feel? It also doesn’t help that I come off as confrontational when all I aim to do most time is to speak on an issue that makes me uncomfortable and might hinder the progress of the friendship. I do not like making stories nor do I like to assume, so I am always seeking clarity so I don’t trap myself or others.

Communal speech or would I say words brings us together and silence separate us. To those whose friendship I value, I’m always reaching out to ask how I could be a better friend, communicate better, and/or if I smother them with affection.

Am I Too much? People receive my friendship and warmth differently. There’s this thing I always say, you can only meet people where they’re at and this has made it somewhat better when I’m dealing with people. So give yourself some grace Ruth 🫂.

To answer my question, I do not think I am too much. I’m always in constant check with myself, so I can give the best (& silly/worst 🙄) part of me to my friends.

I’ll end this piece with this quote from Andrea Wulf — “…Only through self-awareness can we feel empathy with others. Only through self-reflection can we question our behaviour towards others. Self-examination in that sense is for the greater good — for us, for our wider community, for society in general, and for our planet.”