3 Things food taught me about love and marriage

I’ve just enjoyed a soul-satisfying breakfast dish called pongal that is an overcooked, mushy mix of rice and lentil. I know people who love food like it was a Harley-riding, pot-smoking, good-for-nothing. They apologise for being foodies and pray they had never fallen in love. Not me. Food to me is like a mother, nurturing and forgiving.

I don’t believe anyone can be wholly healthy without the love of nourishing food.

If ayurveda is to be believed, food not only builds our body from 20 inches to the 5 ft whatever, it also creates our state of mind. Think about a truly satisfying meal you had lately. Dieters are probably skipping this part as they won’t allow themselves to eat till satisfied. A terrible mistake! Coming back, recall how you felt for the rest of the day after that meal. Content. Grounded. Not easily perturbed.

Fast-forward to a time you ate a so-called “guilty pleasure”. Did you feel truly happy while eating, horribly guilty afterwards? You probably spent the rest of the day saying “no” to tasty food in self-punishment. I’ve seen friends eat dry bread with unsalted boiled vegetables out of guilt, something their mothers would never let them eat if they knew.

This morning as I rested in a state of breakfast-induced bliss, the threads of my love of food and love of my husband started to intertwine. Here are some insights, fresh off the stove!

There is a “wrong” way to love your spouse. Sometimes people make food (spouse) their only source of joy in life. Whether celebrating a promotion or getting over a break-up, food is given the duty to meet all emotional needs. So, your meal stops doing its duty, which was to give nutrition. Instead, you go for a celebratory or comforting dish, like ice-cream or potato chips.

Even if you have found your soulmate, hang out with friends, visit museums with Mom, take long walks alone, indulge in a hobby and read magical books to make your days satisfying and full.

Don’t hold on to guilt. Sometimes you do wrong by your body by eating to excess or not eating the right things. The next moment you swing to the opposite end. You skip a meal, or eat only proteins, in denial of what your body needs. Attractive dishes are banished till further notice, in what can only be called self-flagellation. You think this needs to be done but the strain of this exercise keeps you in a cycle of cravings and guilt.

Sometimes you will do wrong by your partner. Guilt is natural but don’t wear it like a merit badge. Work on releasing it. Your partner has likely long forgiven you, just like you forgive his lapses. When guilt is carried around for too long, relationships begin to creak under the weight. Seek forgiveness, don’t forget your lesson and be loving again.

Accept. If your heart tugs at you to eat out, accept that the food will be less nutritious and have more salt and calories than home-cooked food. Simple acceptance. You might imagine that if you say grace, eat mindfully and chew every bite 32 times, the rasmalai (or donut) on your plate will behave like a salad leaf. It won’t. A dish has its own qualities and neither your will nor wish can make it something it is not.

You married someone because of qualities you admire, maybe your partner is a great cook or makes you feel special. With time their habits and preferences in other domains, like money, housekeeping, parenting or driving will become visible. Don’t hold onto a mould of “what my partner must be like” and squeeze your spouse into that shape. Accept, and enjoy that people come as a package. Don’t go cherry picking.

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Hey! I’m Garima, a positive psychologist. If you’re into healthier living, you will enjoy the award-winning book The Body Nirvana: More than just a weight-loss book (HarperCollins, 2017). You can find it on Amazon.